I am very sorry to say I am too ill to come into work today. My skin has turned bright red and I am suffering from a high temperature and dizziness. I have gone to my local A&E but unfortunately it has been closed due to cut backs, so I have travelled fifty miles to the nearest open A&E where I was seen within twelve hours of arriving by a medical practitioner who I don’t think was a doctor, but still they were very good, He might have been a DJ or some cabin crew as his uniform had the Virgin logo on it? But that aside, he was very thorough in his examination of me and quickly diagnosed a severe infection of CORBYNITIS. I have been put in quarantine until at least the 12th September, as it is highly infectious.
It is so infectious that the Government has apparently declared it an epidemic, believing if it is not brought under control soon it could undermine their economic plan and the completion of the neo-liberalisation of the economy. It is believed many more employees could be suffering from CORBYNITIS and employers are being warned to look out for signs, which include talk of nationalisation of railways, protection from privatization of the NHS, a scraping of TTIP, fair wages, rent caps, the building of council houses, trade union rights and other far left extremist ideas.
So yet again I can only apologise for not being in work today.